Being in a relationship is, generally, awesome. At the beginning, it’s all butterflies, and flirting, and the occasional indiscreet Snapchat. But what happens after the honeymoon phase? Well, my friend, the answer is a lot of strange stuff…
1. You invent your own language. In-jokes, made-up words, and even gestures mean something different between the two of you. Just don’t do them around anyone else or you’ll never hear the end of it.
2. Your body changes. Many people gain weight, others lose it, but who cares? They still want to grab bits of you.
3. You argue about nonsense. Such as the correct pronunciation of, ‘Chorizo’, or whose turn it is to hang the washing out.
4. It’s totally normal to turn down sex because Great British Bake Off is on.Right now, the only thing you want to see rising is Chetna’s pretzel dough.
5. They’ve seen your weird, trying-to-shave-the-backs-of-your-legs yoga.And you’ve seen the way they pick their nose when they think you aren’t looking.
6. Onesies and Netflix become just as enjoyable as fine dining and the cinema. And so much less work.
7. Boundaries become non-existent. I’m not talking about crazy, uninhibited-bedroom-acrobatics boundaries. I mean discussing your morning toilet habits, and having them squeeze that painful spot on your shoulder.
8. You’ll come up with weird, inexplicable names for each other. I don’t mean, ‘Bae’ or, ‘Honey’. I mean, ‘Peenerwang’ or, ‘Captain Tightpants’…
9. You don’t feel bad about turning down sex for sleep every so often. They can carry on, if they want, but you will not be conscious.
10. You discuss who you find attractive, without reproach. Although there will be the occasional cry of, “Her? Really?”…
11. You appreciate spending time with your friends even more. Because you love your partner – but sometimes you just have to have a break.
12. Your sexy picture messages are replaced with texts about council tax and your mother’s birthday party next weekend. Because who wants nudes when you can just bitch about how annoying your cousin’s boyfriend is?
13. You constantly thank God that you don’t have to be witty or charming to get people interested in you, now. Because that sh*t is tiring.
14. You don’t have to hide how you feel about THAT friend of theirs. Of course you’ll still be civil, but pretending to laugh at all his rubbish jokes is just dull now.
15. You replace romance with realism. Aw, you got a food processor for Christmas? Brilliant, now you can cook all those Jamie Oliver recipes you’ve been wanting to try out.
16. Your grooming standards begin to slide. Bikini line? Nah. Legs? Occasionally. Armpits? Sure, if you’re wearing a sleeveless top and other people might see.
17. You can stop feigning an avid interest in all of their hobbies. You know I said I liked ultimate Frisbee? I lied.
18. You love spending time with them, but you’re more than happy in your own company as well. Part of being comfortable with someone is realising you don’t have to live in each other’s pockets all the time.
19. You weirdly enjoy the mundane activities. Grocery shopping? YES. Now you can buy all the cheese, and it’s fine because there’s someone else there filling the basket with crackers.
20. You put away the Ann Summers chemises and babydolls, and roll out the Primark pyjamas. Lingerie is best saved for special occasions, such as anniversaries, birthdays, or the X Factor final.
21. But you will still argue over the washing up. Because it’s the worst.
Constant Spinner 