28 Thoughts All Twenty-Something Girls Have Had

Our twenties are messy, scary and confusing as f*ck. But fear not, we’re all in the same boat here…

1. God, I wish I could have that cake for breakfast. Wait. In the eyes of the law, I’m an adult now. WHO’S GOING TO STOP ME?

2. Can I wear this bra again? I haven’t washed it. But it’s new, and if I wash it wrong it might go grey or lumpy like my stupidly expensive one did, and not look as pretty. I think I can get one more wear out of it if I spritz it with deodorant. Sorted.

3. Aww, that baby’s got a funny laugh. Hang on, does that mean I want kids now? Sh*t, is this how it starts? 

4. I know I should go to my aunt’s birthday, but I really can’t be arsed with the hassle. Well, Uncle Tom, you may have had a house, a car, and two kids by the time you were my age, but you didn’t have thirty grand’s worth of student debt or ANY FUN EVER. So back off.

5. Do I actually want to get married? Or is it that I just want a massive party with all my friends and family and I can’t think of another valid reason to spend two grand on a dress? Pretty much, yeah.

6. When do I ask for a payrise? Is it now? Do I wait a year? Why did they never explain the most critical part of careers advice to you – WHEN AM I ALLOWED TO HAVE MORE MONEY?

7. Eurrgh. Lady Gaga is 27. We would have been in the same year at school, but she’s wearing Chanel and McQueen, and I’m wearing Primark bikini bottoms because I haven’t done my laundry in two weeks. Not. Fair.

8. Oh, now I’m getting emailed Boots vouchers for early defence anti-wrinkle cream. It’s okay, I was going to cry today anyway.

9. “On fleek”? What the hell does that mean? Do I have an “on fleek”?

10. Ah, Timehop lunch break. God, I was a d*ck in 2012.

11. Oh, and a d*ck in 2013.

12. At least I wasn’t a d*ck in 2014. Apparently, I did absolutely nothing that day. What a loser.

13. What? What is Facebook telling me now. Ben Bridges from school is a qualified doctor now? I once saw him eat a dishwasher tablet at a party. How is that possible?

14. Hah. Kerry posted another selfie but I can still see her dinner-lady arms. Serves her right for mocking my Punky Fish top in year eight.

15. I should dye my hair. Or cut it. Or get an undercut like Natalie Dormer. It could be the haircut that changes my life.

16. Ooh. That guy’s kind of hot. Nice arms… wait, what’s that he’s getting out of his bag? A homework planner? ABORT. ABORT. Don’t want to end up on a register.

17. Hmm, maybe should think about a pension plan? Or saving more? Although the way the government’s looking at the moment, I’ll be working until I’m 85 anyway so I won’t need it. I do, however, need a new pair of Chelsea boots.

18. When do I have to stop going to Topshop? I feel like there’s an age limit, and I can’t help but feel that my reaction to those disco-ball crop tops means I’m getting pretty close to it.

19. I definitely wore that when I was twelve. Please don’t tell me I have to wear it again now that I’m over double that age.

20. Everyone in this pub is sixty. FML.

21. It’s so loud in here. I just want to sit and talk. Why are there no f*cking seats?

22. So what if it’s Thursday and I have work tomorrow? JÄGERBOMBS ARE THREE FOR A FIVER.

23. OH MY GOD, ‘GOLD DIGGER’ IS PLAYING. I love this song. Who cares if it’s ten years old? Oh God. Drink through the nostalgia.

24. Everyone in this club is twelve. FML.

25. Why are my hangovers so bad now? Apparently, they just get worse and worse. By the time I’m forty, a glass of wine will literally kill me.

26. HOW did I spend that much money in one bar? That’s basically a day’s wages. Maybe more. Why is it never just one drink?

27. If I only eat pasta and pesto for the next two weeks, I won’t have to touch my overdraft.

28. STOP TEXTING ME, DOMINOS, AND TEMPTING ME WITH YOUR DELICIOUS CHEESY GOODNESS.

(Written for Pretty 52)