To begin with, sharing your bed is something of an exciting novelty. The comfort of having someone to snuggle up to on a cold night, or the protective cocoon of being the little spoon can be fun, and relaxing, and you wonder how you ever slept alone.
But, soon, the cracks begin to show. That adorable little whistle they make when they breathe out which made you smile happily into the pillow? Suddenly, it’s more irritating than a polyphonic Rebecca Black ringtone. That long hairstyle that looks so good by day? At night, it becomes a tickly web that seems to have the sole purpose of entering your respiratory system by any means necessary.
So what kind of annoying sleeping habits have we all come across? I can count eleven of the main culprits:
1. The Roaring Snorer
Is it a plane? An earthquake? No, it seems that the large Hadron Collider has been relocated from Switzerland to RIGHT UP HIS NOSE.
2. The Violent Twitcher
Because getting kicked in the shin every night is exactly what we wanted. How did she know?
3. The Nocturnal Gamer
Last night it was on the TV, tonight it’s the phone. Pewpewpewpewpew. I blame Kate Upton’s metal corset on that stupid Game of War advert.
4. The Space-Hogger
Don’t worry, he’s on his side. He must be, because his head’s on his pillow. IT’S JUST HIS BODY THAT’S DIAGONAL ACROSS THE ENTIRE MATTRESS.
5. The Cover Thief
Why am I so cold? Oh, wait, it’s because I have about two square inches of duvet. Can I try and pull it back without waking her up? Sweet God, it’s like having a tug of war with a rhino – where does this strength go when she’s awake?
6. The Toxic Breather
Ah, good morning, you’re awake – CHRIST ON A BIKE, HAVE YOU BEEN LICKING A TRAMP IN YOUR SLEEP?
7. The Walker
Oh, off to p*ss in the kitchen bin again? Good stuff. See you passed out at the bottom of the stairs in the morning.
8. The Talker
Did you just ask me to get you a bucket of ducks?
9. The Alarm-Snoozer
How are you sleeping through that? How?! It’s gone off four times in the space of half an hour and you haven’t even stirred.
10. The Twilight Farter
There it goes again. I wouldn’t mind, but it was on my leg that time.
11. The Napoleon Boner-poke
Mmm, you rolled over to cuddle me, that’s nice. But hang on, what’s that – ah. Here’s to a night of being prodded in the lower back.
(Written for Pretty 52.)
Constant Spinner 